5 ways talking about death can make life much better
Research by Dying Matters has found 77 per cent of Britons find it hard to talk about death – despite the fact that one third of us think about it at least once a week. It’s probably not something you chat about with your friends. But let’s face it, death’s a part of everyone’s life. Each year, in England alone, half a million people die, and each death affects five people directly, and many more less directly. And, of course, it’s something that’s going to happen to all of us.
‘I think there’s a sense that if you talk about death you’ll somehow make it happen,’ says bereavement counsellor Julia Samuel. ‘And people think it’s a depressing topic. But actually, talking about death can make it less scary.’
Our ancestors would have been used to seeing death at close hand as most people in the past died at home. But now it’s a process that’s become medicalised, with deaths often happening in hospitals, meaning we’re kept away from it – and that can make it all seem a lot more frightening. After all, anything that isn’t spoken about becomes shrouded in fear and mystery.
The Death Café movement started as a response to this silence. At a Death Café, people gather to chat and as the host of my own local Death Café, I’ve seen at first-hand just how uplifting that can be. There’s always lots of laughter along with a few tears and some frank discussion.
“If we were more open, we may find it easier to seek and give the right support when it’s needed.”
Here are some of the reasons we should all be talking about death…
1. It helps you cope with bereavement
Andrew G Marshall, therapist and author of My Mourning Year, about the death of his partner, Thom, 20 years ago, believes our culture’s difficulties with talking about death means we struggle to cope with grief. ‘The bereavedlack the support they need because we find it so hard to speak about death and loss, and we tiptoe around the subject talking in euphemisms,’ he says. ‘If we were more open, we may find it easier to seek and give the right support when it’s needed.’
2. It helps you appreciate life more
Embracing mortality can have the surprising effect of helping you live in the moment. Fully accepting the fact you’re going to die can help you make the most of your life. People with life-threatening illnesses often say facing mortality has focused them more closely on those they want to spend time with, doing the things they really want to do – and embracing your own death, even if it’s probably not imminent, can help you do the same.
3. It stops you sweating the small stuff
Bogged down with work worries? Fretting about why Julia at the school gate blanked you this morning? There’s nothing like a bit of death chat to put the petty things into perspective. Appreciating your time is finite – even if there’s still a lot left – helps you gain a broader view of what really matters – and what doesn’t.
“So many people shy away from these conversations but grief is hard enough without regrets”
4. It prevents regrets
Sacha Langton-Gilks, author of Follow the Child, campaigns for better end-of-life care for children, and believes talking openly with those who are dying means we’ll know exactly how they want to spend the rest of their lives. ‘So many people shy away from these conversations but grief is tough enough without regrets. Speaking more openly about death means you know just what your friends and relatives want to do before they die, and how they want their funeral to be.’
5. It brings you closer
Talking about death with people you love is the ultimate taboo-busting, intimate conversation. It might even help you speak more openly about other difficult subjects, and will make you love and appreciate each other more.
© Charlotte Haigh
This article was originally published in 2018 in Prima Magazine.